Last night, I dreamt of you.

I dreamt of you, and woke up in a tangle of confused sheets. I’ve pushed thoughts of you to the furthest regions of my mind, but my subconscious feels that it’s alright to pull from every corner. The dream was so full of you, so full of your mannerisms.

I just wish I didn’t have to dream of you, because I know you’re not dreaming of me.

What do you want out of life?

This is nothing but a crude paraphrase from my sweet friend, Caitlin.

On a night drive back from what i believe was the hookah bar and the hospital, she poses this question. And i come up with an answer, quickly. On our night drive back to campus, this may be the most truthfully that I have ever answered this question.

I want to travel. I want to go on a pilgrimage: El Camino de Santiago. I want to live in Austin, or some larger city and experience it’s liveliness. I want to live in an apartment with someone I love for a while, as cliche as that sounds. I want fall asleep next to someone, and wake up in the same tangled mess of sheets with them.

Caitlin wants California, she wants her sunshine and her waves. Even if she doesn’t get into a school there, she might pick up and move anyway. You know what else sweet Cait wants? She wants a few of the people she’s known forever to be there with her. And towards her end, she wants a big house out in the country. This is the first time she’s ever really wanted that, and she thinks it’s beautiful.

Making me believe in heaven, just so I can feel like I'll see you again.

I miss you, and I'm always going to miss you. If you had a funeral, I would have been there. I kept my weekdays free from the time I heard so I wouldn't have to clear any plans to be there. But there was no funeral. Four people put you away, and I wasn't one of them. I wish I could have been.

I went to your grave again today. I brought you flowers because there weren't any yesterday. They're pink, I though you'd like that. You deserve flowers, you do.

I miss you, so much. I remember when we went shopping for prom dresses together. I remember your Barbie pink dress, and how excited you were about it.

I remember sitting beside you during chemo, I remember holding your hand. I remember you telling me you couldn't hold my hand anymore because everything made you sick during treatment.

I remember when you had a sleepover when we were little. You sent me a thank you card because I didn't get scared and want to go home. I was brave then, I have to be brave now.

I'm trying, I promise you I am.

No vale la pena.

I'm going to have to stop worrying about what people think about me in public, because it just isn't worth it.


No vale la pena, no vale.

Make up your mind--

Because your falling behind, you're going to be second best to someone else.

I didn't know I could be that strong, I didn't know I could be that cold.

You've been in my life for almost a year now, and it's been a crazy year. From March of 2010, to February of 2011- you've been in and you've been out. You've changed your mind, you've ignored me, you've praised me, and you've broken me. But now I've said what needed to be said, I told you to make a decision or get out of my life. And in truth-- I'm scared of what you may decide, but I'm glad that I'm making you decide.

At least I won't sit around waiting for you if you don't want to be with me, at least I can be a little more free.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I don't know if the words of a fictional character have ever rang more true to me. Your convoluted affections are all I think myself worthy of. But you're back in my life, and I'm more than happy of that.

Let's hope it works this time.